Just So

Something happened during that awkward pause, that moment when we both realised that we had nothing to say and were neither happy nor sad about it. Ambivalence at our individual ambivalence. We both looked vacantly around, looking for a sign to read or something to comment on but even that seemed too much of an effort. I looked at you and you at me and we both accepted that it was just so. Not comfortably in a way that says I know what you are thinking and feeling without you having to say it. Not uncomfortably in a way that made either of us feel self-conscious about seeming boring or shallow. We’re past trying to prove anything to each other, we know what this is and accept that it is just so.
Always together but completely independent, we slot in and out of our conflated life whenever it suits us. We don’t want to be inconvenienced because we have no priorities and we have no priorities because we don’t want to be inconvenienced. We just want to do as we please and be flexible enough to do anything or nothing whenever we want. We are both here, that is enough. We are both elsewhere and that’s fine too. We want to be touched but not by each other. We won’t let anyone else touch us because that would be wrong. We touch in the dark when we could be anyone or anywhere as long as it’s not us or here. At first light we are us again and happy. We laugh about our flights of fancy like exotic travels. We know that our tales are true but we pretend that they’re just stories because it is just so.
We speak words that we both understand to have different meanings. We deceive because we know each other well enough to deceive each other well. We deceive each other well because we understand the deception better, we know what is really meant and why. I don’t know why we understand our lies better than our truths. I think, maybe, its because we only have to understand the lies if we want to but with the truth there is no escape. I can’t pretend ignorance and neither can you. You don’t lie as well as you used to and I find your lies less interesting. I don’t remember which came first, you losing your mystery or me losing interest. I don’t know who stopped trying first but that game is over and it is just so.
I know your smile so well because I see it so often and you know my frustration so well because it makes you smile. I don’t understand why you smile sometimes because your smile looks false, you don’t understand why I am frustrated because all you did was smile. My frustration is not your fault, you smile in spite of me not because. You have much patience, I will always be your patient, you will never be shaken, I will never get well. You will always do more listening, I more speaking because that’s what we’re better at. You need my voice and I need your ears because I am afraid of what I might sound like to someone else and you are afraid that you might let your secrets slip. Without me the silence would overwhelm you until you learn to fill it with the meaningless talk that I could not stand. Without you the judgement of others will not be an attack I can survive alone. We need each other but I can never listen to you and you can never talk to me. I know you are there because I am heard and you know I am here because you hear. We are not unique because we are not right but we are perfect because there is nothing wrong. Nothing wrong, nothing to say, nothing to worry about, nothing but normal and that is fine because we accept that it is just so.